I am amazed when I hear otherwise sane people tell me of Kerry's great qualifications to be SecState. He is a total hoax. He knows nothing about foreign affairs, and has throughout his career shown an antipathy towards his own country that puts him in the ranks of, well, Obama.
Anyhow, here is the just slightly off parody I wrote over eight years ago. Still rings pretty accurate, even if I say so myself.
Hope it still brings a chuckle . . . or an outburst of anger.
I will try to do something new; been caught up with all sorts of family stuff that has gotten in the way of my goofing off on the internet.
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Kerry Interview with "Word War II Magazine" (A Parody -- Just Barely)
We have noticed that John F. Kerry loves to connect with each and every American -- no matter what you do, he's done it, too. We see, therefore, the Swiss-educated Kerry when he's among dairy farmers in the Midwest, well, gosh, he grew up riding a tractor! When he's interviewed by an outdoors magazine, well, don't you know? He owns an AK and hunts deer with a shotgun while crawling on his belly through the woods! He gets asked by the ASPCA for comments about his favorite pet and, gosh, suddenly there was this dog named VC who flew off his patrol boat in Vietnam . . . and then there was that SCUBA-diving hamster. And so on and on. So in that spirit we drafted an interview of Kerry by "World War II History" magazine. We provide it free of charge for the Kerry campaign and for Dan Rather to use.
WWII: Senator Kerry, what would you like WWII veterans to know about you?
JFK: Well, I want them to know that I appreciate their service. That I know what it's like to carry the fight to the enemy in an unpopular war. I know what it's like to patrol the desert, not knowing whether behind the next thatched-roof hut, some crazed Italian Fascist is going to jump you and your patrol boat. I've been there, I guess, that's what I would want the vets to know. I understand what it was like to come home to no ticker-tape parades, to being called a "war criminal reminiscent of Genghis Khan."
WWII: Unpopular war? Desert? Patrol boat? Genghis Khan? Uh, Senator . . .
JFK: I know what it's like to storm the beaches at Normandy. I know about the sacrifices of our brave women and men at Normandy on that June 6, fighting side-by-side, climbing those cliffs together, men and women, white and black; Asian and Hispanic; Jew, Gentile, Muslim, Buddhist, and Scientologist; I was there, I know.
WWII: You were . . .
JFK: Yes, they came from all fifty states, I was especially proud of the veterans from the swing states of Iowa, Florida, Ohio, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, New Mexico, Colorado and the second district of Maine.
WWII: Fifty states? In 1944 there were only . . .
JFK: I know what it's like to be at the controls of a B-29. I remember when I was the pilot of the Enola Gay. Of course in those days we had to call it Enola Sissy or Enola Homosexual, we didn't have the word "Gay," yet, not that there's anything wrong with an alternative lifestyle, and I was glad to fly a plane dedicated to Gay and Lesbian American fighting men . . .
WWII: Senator, you flew the Enola Gay? Uh, lesbian fighting men . . .
JFK: Nothing wrong with having lesbian fighting men. Nothing wrong, and I have consistently said so, I have never flip-flopped on this issue, there is nothing wrong with fighting men liking women.
WWII: Senator, uh . . .
JFK: I remember that Christmas in 1945, when I was over the skies of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, it's seared into my memory, seared, I tell you, wondering as a young man defending America as I would defend her as President, wondering, if I die what my parents would be told. I knew President Hoover was denying that Americans were bombing Japan, and yet, there I was, there I was. What would they tell my parents? But I didn't die, I came back to tell the truth about the war and I am proud of what I said and did. I know people criticized me for reading Ezra Pound, but he was telling truth to power. The Germans didn't attack Pearl Harbor! We all knew it then, it was the worst kept secret imaginable, and yet there we were dropping bombs on Germany and Germans, huge armies invading Germany, removing a democratically elected leader, who, I'll admit, sure he wasn't my cup of tea, but if we were going to remove him, why not remove Mussolini, why not invade Italy, too? We pushed away our Vichy French allies and suffered 90% of the casualties on the Western Front. The state of New York contributed more troops than did Swaziland to the liberation of Europe. Do you call that an alliance? We had to bribe the Australians to join us, coerce the British, too.
WWII: The Australians and the British? They were in it since 1939. Uh, I think we need to end . . .
JFK: I want America's World War II veterans to know that I will never send them back to a war in Europe or the Pacific without a plan to win the peace. Look, 60 years later and we still have troops in Japan and Germany. Where's the plan? Where's the plan? I have a plan, yes, I have a plan.
WLA
Diplomad--
ReplyDeleteKeep posting, even if it's retreads. You lift the heart of this rancher in E. Texas. I have said previously that the military world was our orientation, and our son still serves, a pilot, like his dad was.
If I wasn't a praying woman, one who had seen the miracles from God's hand daily for my entire 62 years of life, well, I wouldn't be able to arise each morning, feed cats and critters on the ranch, and get going.
I read you, or go to your site every morning. It is like savoring the morning cup of coffee and you make me laugh, grimace, or fix my heart to be determined to do and to pray for my beloved country one more day.
I sure wish I could share my stories with you but they aren't near as exciting as yours. Still, even as the civilian keep the home fires burning spouse, I have seen my share of edgy moments....like in Germany when our children were the targets of the Bader Meinhof gang---all because we chose NOT to live in a Kaserne. But as all the initialed agencies arrived in our modest townhouse (row house the German's called them) and told of the God-defeated plan and how our children were barely missed kidnapping and what we had to do to stay safe---I looked over the whole bunch of men late that night and simply said, "My God placed and will continue to place His hedge of protection around my family, because I pray it each day...now you tell me the common sense steps!"
One German looked at me and cocked his said and replied, "Ah, Ya, Frau G... knows of what she speaks, Unser Gott------
SO many memories of that tour, to include having autos checked twice a day for bombs and watching for Ghadfi to raise his head and strike at American military kasernes.....
and God brought us up out of D.C. to retire here in His country!
Be so very blessed Diplomad. May the Good Lord Bless and keep you!
E. Texas Rancher
Ah East Texas Rancher
DeleteYou and I seem to inhabit the same places. I always appreciate your humor, wit and stories. Been awhile since I have seen you comment anywhere though-maybe I am just not reading the same articles as you are these days. Good to "see" you again.
I don't take courage from my readings elsewhere. Every thing is too dark and grim. I fix my heart knowing full well where my help comes from. And that is how we have to view the situation. And I pray for my country.
DeleteMy husband lost his heart on Nov 7th. He fought for and was wounded twice, nearly dying of a Cobra crash in Nam. He, having fought for his country, has taken this debacle and gone inside. But, I know his heart and it will right itself over time.
We are deeply invested in our love for this country. I am a fourth generation Tx rancher family. We have ranches to pass down. We are here to steady ourselves and seek God to cope with despair...
Again, be blessed...E.Tx rancher
God Bless you East Texas Rancher(both of you).
DeleteI also lost heart on Nov. 7th, and I fear for whatever future for my children and grandchildren. Reagan was right, regarding this country being only one generation away from tyranny.
BTW: I am an UNREPENTANT male lesbian...
E TX Rancher
DeleteRemember God is still on His throne and nothing that has happened is a surprise to Him. He raises up and takes down kings and kingdoms in His timing. I also have found the Diplomad to be a sparkling jewel in an otherwise grim landscape. After the election it was all I could do to go to any news sites at all. I remain confident that the country will be as He wills. The current nominees for Sec of State and Defense however are quite concerning though and I fear that our country is fading for many reasons-mostly because we have lost our moral compass. Blessing upon you and yours. Thank you and yours for your service to this country. Be blessed.
Well, it has been awhile since I have written or been published anywhere. Times are hard, thoughts are precious, and the surety of where to deposit those thoughts has become sacred. And yes, Sir, God STILL IS on His throne. And I figure He makes His presence known daily to those who seek Him. Praying my country returns to its anchor........
DeleteYep.
ReplyDeleteSandraC
ReplyDeleteI remember your original post of this timely interview with the tall image empty suit from MA.
Great read then, glad to re-visit.
Dip:
ReplyDeleteAn enjoyable read, but even you will have to admit Kerry is low hanging fruit. I was going to follow that observation by asking you show your stuff by doing a similar sendup of someone else in the Obama administration. Then I realized they're ALL low hanging fruit. Oh well. . .
Hi there fellow bloggers. My name is United States Senator John Forbes Kerry from the great state of Massachusetts. You can call me JFK if you want. I was born on December 11, 1943, although people tell me that I look at least 20 years younger. It's probably my great hair and rugged good looks.
ReplyDeleteI graduated from Yale in June 1966 in the top 1% of my class. To earn extra money during the summers, I loaded trucks in a grocery warehouse and sold encyclopedias door to door. That is probably one of the reasons that I am so humble. Over my four years at Yale, I maintained a 96 grade average and received a 101 average in my senior year.
I am one of the most senior members of that grand and much loved and respected institution known as the U.S. Senate. Probably the only Senator who was even a little bit greater than me and a little more humble was my dear friend Ted Moore Kennedy. I also have a very high IQ. Very high. At least 250 on a bad day. Much higher than that creep who stole the election from me. I know that he stole it because exit polls are never ever wrong.
I am also a great war hero. I set all kinds of records for heroism when I was in Vietnam. I was grievously wounded at least three times yet continued to insist on staying in the fight when lesser men would have given up. I won the bronze star with extra V's for extra valor and the Silver Star for defeating a whole battalion of NVA with my bare hands.
Sometimes I feel like a had to carry all the water for those other ungrateful swiftboaters.
I sometimes like to chill out after a long day of serving the American people by having a double martini with my good friend Ted, although I can't do that now as he has stopped drinking. We used to have a servant bring 21 double martinis. I got one and Ted got one for each of his fingers and each of his toes. Contrary to what some of my very few enemies say I never marry women for just their money. They must also have a pulse. BTW, did I mention that I was in Vietnam? I was also in Cambodia, so don't forget that!
I would like to think that I am open minded, honest, polite, heroic, trustworthy and humble. And I appreciate the same qualities in others although I am realistic enough to know that no one else could come close to me.
Turn offs: other politicians who spend more on haircuts than I do. That is just not right.
Who I’d like to meet:
…other progressive bloggers. Other great war heroes who hate that damn S-T-U-P-I-D Texan who stole the election from me by using Karl Rove's mind control machine and those lying sons of ###### swiftboat ######## whose pants are on fire! Cool people who live close to Washington D.C. so that we can get together, talk about you for about 30 seconds and then spend about 9 hours talking about me. BTW, did I mention that I was in Vietnam and Cambodia? Just one more BTW, if anyone has found my magic hat please return to me and I will reward you with a 32 ounce bottle of Heinz Ketchup autographed by me.
ENTRY FROM JOHN KERRY’S DIARY, AUGUST 26, 2004
ReplyDeleteDear Diary,
Christ, what a mess. This Swift boat thing. And over what? Something that happened over 30 years ago, in a weird time in a weird place, in the jungle for godsake, on these little streams where you never know where you are or who’s waiting around the next bend in the river waiting to kill your ass.
I wish people knew what it was like over there. It wasn’t the war I’d hoped to find there. I wanted something more along the lines of WW II, where a man could do something brave and be a hero, and not feel like a piece of shit for shooting some poor kid in a loincloth in the back. In Vietnam (I mean, the Nam) there wasn’t any black and white, no noble purpose whatsoever except maybe saving people from Communism. Vietnam was just a lot of little rivers going off into nowhere, where teenagers fired at you from the goddam jungle. Who would want to risk their life for that?
Not me. Not George Bush either.
But that’s what people need to understand. I went and he didn’t. And if I became a little unbalanced over there, if I was always getting lost and putting my men at risk and slaughtering farmyard animals and burning those nasty hootches with my Zippo, if I found myself wondering how I was going to get out of there without getting my ass killed, and just happened to know that three purple hearts gets you out of there, well, anyone in their right mind would have thought about it.
Here’s what I wish I could tell the American people. I did what I did for my country. Because I knew that one day I’d be President. A good President. Kind and fair. Wise. Troubled by the burdens of responsibility but stoically bearing them. It’s what I’ve always wanted for myself. I’ve never doubted for a moment I would achieve my goal… except on those foul-smelling backwater rivers drifting into an ambush. Fire out of nowhere, bullets whizzing around us, mortar rounds exploding. A future President could get himself killed in a place like that. And then what good would it do the country? That’s not the Boston Strangler’s way.
That's what I called myself back then. I chose the name as my "handle" over in Nam because I thought it made me seem tough, just like saying Nam makes me feel like a real genuine veteran. I wanted to be tough. I wanted to be brave too. But there’s a fine line between being brave and being stupid, and it’s all relative anyway. There are nuances. There’s physical bravery and there’s moral courage. I chose the latter, but from a PR standpoint, moral courage is so much harder to see. Sure, I stand up to Big Business and so on, but there’s a so-whatness about it. On the other hand, run up a hill and get killed wiping out a machine gun emplacement, you’re a hero, no questions asked.
But you’re also a dead hero. And that’s not the Boston Strangler had in mind.
The Boston strangler wanted to get out of that shithole. And he wanted to get out of it having seen a little action so he could get back to the states and say he’d been there, he’d seen the naked dead bodies and the burning napalm kids running around like torches and all the other rotten things everyone said was going on, and he’d change things. He’d tell the country how fucked up it was over in the Nam, and they’d believe him. Especially if he had some medals.
But that presents a problem, doesn’t it? How do you get the damn medals without doing something that might get your ass killed?
Well, you report wounds that might only need a band-aid, that’s how. And you write up some after-action reports that make you look heroic. And you get out of the Nam as fast as you can. It’s maybe not the brave thing to do (it depends what your definition of bravery is) but it IS the smart thing to do. And that’s something you want in a President.
Or even, if all else fails, a Secretary of State.