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In the late 1950s, the now sadly departed great Nigerian novelist Chinua Achebe wrote his masterpiece, Things Fall Apart . I remember readin...

Tuesday, June 2, 2020

Democrats Hold Early Convention

The Diplomad has received the following bulletin from the DNC:

The world's oldest political party, the Democrat Party, has decided to celebrate its successful handling of Trump's Corona Virus outbreak with an early holding of its National Convention. Showing, once again, that this party defies convention and stultifying ritual, the Convention is not being held in just one city.

According to DNC Spokeshuman, Mohammed Javier Sandra Rothstein-Mobuto (personal pronoun 'Ze'), "We have borrowed the idea from the World Soccer Cup, and we will be and are holding events all across the country. We, furthermore, will hold these events in what we call 'Spontaneous Mode.'" Mohammed Javier Sandra Rothstein-Mobuto explained that this concept frees delegates and their assistants to participate at times and places of their own choosing, and not get locked into a top-down dictated schedule and venue.

Mohammed Javier Sandra Rothstein-Mobuto also described the innovative approach that delegates are taking to personal attire. The Spokeshuman explained that delegates have empowered personal assistants to engage in "open shopping." That means, ze explained, "Our people are not held to arbitrary and oppressive store hours or long lines at cash registers. We, however, encourage our shoppers to wear masks for their protection."

Ze noted that the delegates and their shoppers want the convention events to have a classy touch, so they are engaging in "open shopping" at outlets for Gucci, Rolex, Nike, Apple, and other brands and at high-end stores traditionally reserved only for those who can pay for them. That does not mean, ze went on, that, "We are ignoring traditional providers such as 7-11, Dollar, and small businesses all over the country. Our shoppers will visit them, as well." Ze stressed that delegates, because of their deep interest in current events, will also be shopping for HD large-screen TVs at Target and elsewhere.

Delegates and assistants will go on full alert for efforts by white supremacists and Russian agents to infiltrate the festivities.

Mohammed Javier Sandra Rothstein-Mobuto promised that this will prove the best and most colorful party convention since 1968.

Ze rejected long-standing accusations from old cranks, e.g., The Diplomad, that the Democrats are the traditional party of lynch mobs (Here).

End Text

I will be responding to the charge that I am an old crank.

10 comments:

  1. Assuming 'crank' is some newspeak for possessing a 'cold war mentality', I would guess that's "guilt as charged"? :)

    - reader #1482

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  2. You read too much Pravda as a young man. This reads just like it. Unfortunately satire works best when it is mostly true.

    Sadly too many reporters nowadays think of Pravda as a how to instead of a how not to.

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  3. So that I am clear, this is not satire right? Or is it and I completely miss it?

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  4. Priceless.

    Satire is best when it has the ring of truth.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I was thinking your cars are a little too nice and new
    for a crank

    ReplyDelete
  6. {{{{{{{Now Hear This}}}}}}}

    I was NOT born w/White privileges,
    fact is I gladly worked for'em~~~

    On Watch~~~
    "...Rollin Down Highway 41"
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wa4DCp6cl2U

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  7. "I will be responding to the charge that I am an old crank."

    Don't deny it. Embrace it. Roll around in it.

    Butch

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  8. Great spoof. I suppose this multiple-named individual is also an illegal alien?

    ReplyDelete